Dietary laws for third-world travellers (derived from unfortunate experience)

When you’re roughing it in some exotic locale to get that authentic cultural experience, sometimes it’s hard to know what from the menu can condemn you to quality time with the longdrop while your travelling companions are off bagging trophies in the marketplace, photographing rare fauna, and generally having the trip of a lifetime. Was it the boiled goat and mealiepap you ate with your hands? Local chai made with well water? Fish brought from the coast on a bus? (And it isn’t always the strange stuff that causes trouble. One dodgy leaf of lettuce can lay low the mighty.)

"Is it safe to drink the water? Can I eat what the locals offer me?" People worry about this all the time - I know, because they ask me. Personally, I worry more about being impolite or missing a meaningful connection with a new culture I'm trying to learn about. But I have paid the price on more than one occasion.

Let’s face it – the immune systems of people living in the ‘first world’ are fragile, and unless you have a few weeks to allow your gut to be colonized by the native bacteria, most travellers are better off playing it safe when dining with the 90% of humanity who don’t rely on Brita filters, antibacterial soap, or the services of the grocery-industrial complex.

Here are ten - well, OK, they aren’t laws, strictly speaking - but these are ten helpful rules learned the hard way, compiled from foreign correspondents, field biologists, adventure travel guides, wildlife photographers, seasoned travellers and unfortunate personal experience:

1. Avoid the raw stuff. Go for whatever’s been boiled or, as a friend puts it, ‘cauterized’ over fire. Helpful hint: learn how to say “well done”, or “fully cooked” in the local lingo.
2. If there’s a choice of meat, chicken is the safer option – and avoid ‘bushmeat.’ No need to go into the sordid details about animal diets, parasites and the hygiene of slaughtering, just remember ‘if in doubt, choose the chicken.’ Memorise this.
3. Seek out the high-traffic eateries. Higher volume usually means fresher ingredients.
4. Don’t nibble that cold garnish unless it’s swimming in vinegar. (Supposedly there’s enough vinegar in mayonnaise to make it safe even without refrigeration, but I don’t trust anything handmade with raw egg that’s over an hour old.) Some swear that really hot chillies also kill the microbes, but the truth is that garlic, onions, oregano and allspice work best, while chillies only whack 75% of bacteria. Unless you know what’s in it, avoid it – heat won’t tell you.
5. What’s on your hands is usually worse than what’s in the food, so religiously wash your hands before you eat, and make sure they’re thoroughly dry. Anti-bacterial gels not necessary - a normal bar of soap will do (you may want to carry one…can be hard to find on short notice).
6. Eat fruit only if it has to be peeled to get at the edible bits. And if it hasn’t been rinsed after being peeled.
7. Yes, don’t drink the tap water (or if it comes from a well, stream, lake or borehole), but don’t brush your teeth with it either. Or rinse your food in it.
8. Anything over forty percent alcohol is generally OK to drink, but to be safest, go for the 60%-plus stuff and dilute with clean water (or don’t) And if it comes in a Johnnie Walker Red bottle, don’t trust that that’s what’s actually in there. This is the voice of experience speaking here.
9. Beer, Coke and Fanta in glass bottles are pretty darn safe. But if drinking from a can, use a straw.
10. Question every ice cube's origins - if in the slightest doubt, drink it warm.
    

And the corollary: Pack Imodium (and TP).

Let’s be clear: no set of rules can protect you from all the hazards, but if something you ate is returning the favour, at least the stories you’ll be able to tell of that near-death experience in a remote village will be priceless (not to mention the video your friends will have of you wide-eyed and scrambling for the loo).

Of course, some would argue that a true gourmet will cast all rules aside and indulge in the local culinary delicacies, fearless about whatever may come.

Fresh mopane worms, anyone?

Dietary laws for third-world travellers (derived from unfortunate experience)